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Sometimes the only place to start is with one baby step. It has been brought to my attention(again) that healing is not linear. Bump goes the road and along with it my bruised Ego. How is it that the hardest person to forgive sometimes is ourselves? Take a breath. That prior sentence is for me as much as for anyone else that needs to hear it. There is a lesson to be learned here...I tell myself this. I made a mistake.

I won’t get into the details of “how I messed up”, because we all do. The synopsis is: how do we learn the necessary lesson to the extent that our mistakes do not repeat themselves? We tend to openly forgive others, especially those that we love, but how can we bring that same compassionate energy to ourselves? Self-love has been an incredibly difficult process for me. I want to feel the pain and let it burn.

Suffering from my own hands has become unacceptable anymore and that’s how I know that growth is occurring. What do I hope to achieve by withholding forgiveness for myself? Does prolonging my suffering make me feel better? This is a rhetorical question, because the answer is an obvious no. Here is the truth of the matter: We have a choice. We can choose to agonize over a mistake that we made or we can choose to forgive ourselves and move on.

One choice offers release and peace, while the other offers distress and anguish. The more suffering you endure does not correlate to the amount that you are sorry. Do not continue to hurt yourself and choose to move forward. Remember that you are the spinner of your own web. Keep that web positive, loving, and compassionate. Especially, towards yourself. You are worth all your love and forgiveness.


Madame Heather

The real miracles of life occur during times of hardship. The times when your heart is breaking and the core of your soul is shaking. Within these seasons, you will come to know who you really are. Growth can be devastatingly difficult. It can feel as if you are standing in a smog. The daylight has been blocked out and you are unable to see the path that lies ahead. Does this sound like your current reality?

I have a message for you:

Keep fighting. Do not give up. Beyond the veil of heartache lies illumination and clarity. Your light at the end of tunnel will come as you walk forward. Forgive, love, be as positive as possible, and above all keep moving. Standing in one place for too long is like digging a ditch with no end in sight.

This morning, I saw an entire migratory group of geese. Did you know geese are known for their unwavering faith, confidence, and bravery? Geese subscribe to the ethos of “No man left behind”. If a fellow goose gets sick or injured someone stays behind as a caretaker. Makes you look at geese a bit differently doesn’t it?

The underlying message from goose is this: “Go forward with bravery and confidence.”


Madame Heather

What a shame, what a shame. That's what people will say when you go through a hardship. A real hardship is something that affects the spirit and delves deep down to the core of your soul. Folks may say "What a shame" to your face, but they will most likely say it behind your back. When you go through a hardship like depression, major illness, chemo, financial poverty, death, have everyone seemingly analyzing your every single move. 

Dealing with my shame has been the most difficult part of my anxiety, depression, fear, breakthrough, spiritual awakening, and/or late-onset of bipolar disorder. Whatever you call it, be sure that shame comes as an extra large side order. Shame that I have brought to myself and my entire family. More importantly than the acute "mental illness" shame, it is the fear of prolonged shame and never living down your mistakes. It isn't even a mistake, but something that simply happened as a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Short-term shame is manageable, but long-term shame is a hard pill to swallow. Many of my familial relationships will never be the same again. I will never be the same again.

Inspiration from Rising Strong by Brené Brown. "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly;...who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worse, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly." ~Theodore Roosevelt's  1910 "Man in the Arena" speech
With family members and friends that do not know me well, I shall see many head shakes and woeful glances. However, none of it matters. If I am to recognize these exchanges, then I am to give away my power. This is my battle, my struggle, but also my triumph. I will not let this bump in the road define my life. I must move forward and I must let go of this sludge called shame. Shame, you can no longer echo within the hollows of my mind. Your loneliness and sadness no longer play a major role in my life. I have learned the gift of vulnerability today thanks to author and inspiration Brené Brown. I also found renewed compassion for others through my struggles. This week I got to share my renewed compassion with a blog fan that sent me an e-mail during her hour of need.

I got a very poignant e-mail from a single mom who is struggling financially. I gave her money. My husband asked me why I gave her money. It was $5 and it was not about the money. It was about humanity. It was about reaching back out to someone who reached out to me for help. I get many soliciting e-mails, but something told me that this one was different and it was certainly sincere. Perhaps she is a good scammer you might say, but I don't think so. In fact, I wrote her back and told her that she and her daughter were in my thoughts and prayers. She wrote me back and seemed grateful for the positive exchange. Some words of encouragement and $5 can turn a life around, but more importantly it can instill and give renewed hope. With real empathy and compassion shame truly cannot survive.

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