Why I don't care for your city: South Beach 2014 Ed. #travel

*This post is inspired by my husband and I's favorite sports authority Deadspin's Drew Magary. He writes the infamous and utterly pee-worthy, "Why your team sucks" columns. In honor of today's post please enjoy "Why your team sucks 2014: Miami Dolphins" by Drew Magary. 

Welcome to Miami. Prior to visiting South Beach, I had envisioned it as the Las Vegas of the South East. Visions of Will Smith's monster hit, "Welcome to Miami" playing through my head(click play for "false advertising" ambiance). My fantastical vision of hot bodies, celebrities, terrible plastic surgery, unmatched shopping, and world class dining experiences were "mouth a gapingly" obliterated. I have strolled in the exact location as "Big Willie Style" and somehow I feel utterly deceived. My husband and I did, however, have some fantastic meals! I will definitely give credit where credit is due, but South Beach is more like Baltimore by the ocean.

The Food is finger licking good in Miami. Yardbird is a must stop if you are in Miami. At Yardbird, you will find Southern staples of fried chicken with creative side dish compositions. The kale salad was smart and delicious. The mixed drinks are strong and the atmosphere is rustic, fresh, down home, and industrial. It feels like a trendy-southern joint. Perfectly suited to Miami. There is one other eatery that must be mentioned: Café Charlotte. A mix of Argentinian, Spanish, and Italian. Empanadas, skirt steak, and the house made ravioli were amazing! The atmosphere feels like Spain and the locals come in groves. You will not be disappointed at these eateries!

About the hobos. The hobos of South Beach are not afraid of any mere mortal. Soliciting is the Miami way of life. You are solicited for happy hour, rides, and by aggressive "no means yes" hobos. In fact, because "sweet-talking" any passing local or tourist is the Miami norm the hobos have to kick ass and take names. Otherwise, you would step on their unmentionables and keep on trucking. A truly fascinating hobo culture in South Beach.

The real letdown. My sweet la la land of Miami has been crushed. The shopping is ridiculously terrible. I went to more than three top-rated locations to include: The Miracle Mile, Collins Ave., and Ocean Drive. To hear the word "terrible" fall from my lips and onto this post crushes my soul in more ways than you can possibly imagine. Let me paint a Picasso for you. Miami's most predominant and supposedly most luxurious hot-spot shopping locations consist of a single Barney's of NY sandwiched between multiple 7-eleven's. Breath THAT in while watching penniless spiteful tweeners photographing themselves in front of "DASH". I may be poor, but at least I have my blue collar pride...dammit!

However, I did venture across a few boutique diamonds in the rough. These shops include Metta-loving Kindness(which is one of the only Eco clothing and accessory shops in Miami) and Roses and Dreams. Roses and Dreams is actually wafting of fresh roses when you walk in. They call themselves a French boutique, but I did note many Italian pieces in their clothing collections. Love it there.

In conclusion, I have truly learned my lesson about taking traveling advice from pop star music videos. Even if the always classy Will Smith is the involved aficionado. Peace out Miami.


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