A Mother's Biography

Motherhood for me has been nothing short of a "jumping out of an airplane with no parachute" experience. First of all, I did not know if I ever wanted to be a mother. I did not know if I was capable of being a good mother. I grew up in a household that was tumultuous, but still loving. Perhaps, that love was the key to my eventual success and survival. However negative the environment I grew up in, it still managed to be loving in a weird and twisted sort of way.

Starting out as a first time mum back in 2009, I had terrible anxieties about the mother I would become. My own mother was very "hands-off". I found out about my period when it started(that was fairly horrifying) and I did not discover "make-up" until late into my high school years, because my own mother rarely used it. However, on the flip side my mother was always strong, loving, and kind. I recall her making the most fantastical and extraordinary cakes for my siblings and I. My favorite cake was the one that looked exactly like a carousel complete with little horse figurines.

My anxieties grew, however, the closer it came to my first son's birth in September 2009. I knew he would be outside of my womb and thrust into a cold world(probably literally). This is the toughest thing about being a parent. You cannot and should not protect your children from every terrible thing that comes their way. Oh, but I so wanted too. I relish that first year(with both of my boys) when I could hold them to my bosom and keep them protected while rocking them in my arms. Those days are so over!

My first years as a mother were particularly hard. I could feel the rage of my father and the distance of my mother. It took a lot of hard work from myself and incredible loving support from my husband to work through anger issues that were still lingering towards my mother. To be successful, I knew this anger I felt had to be dealt with in a constructive and permanent way. I have felt that the reason I am at peace with my father is because I had a direct and confrontational conversation with him many years ago. My mother I perceive as fragile. I still(even today) want to protect her. After all her struggles and successes even, it would be selfish of me to disrupt that progress. I have little by little chosen to silently forgive her.

Some women feel like motherhood comes naturally and they are naturally good at it. That is certainly not me. I work hard at it and try very hard. The Gods that be know that I am a good fit to be mothering little boys. They will be gentle and forgiving of me(I hope). I feel so lucky and blessed to be a mother. It is the single most challenging experience of my life, but one that I would not trade for anything in the world. Even when the little rascals are scattering my floor with cheerios(see the YouTube video below). Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers of the world!