The Magic of Life

Where has all the bipolar magic gone?! I remember a few months ago feeling like there was magic all around....everywhere! Now, I am craning my neck only to find a desolation of magic in my life. This is where people stop taking their medications. I understand why now. There is this magic in the psychotic. Seeing things in a way that no one else sees things. It makes things feel magical and it makes you feel special. Overall, it is a wonderful "Alice in Wonderland" feeling and experience.

I remember looking at everything through a child-like lens. Everything was new, exciting, and there was something new to discover around every corner. Now, I feel medicated dullness. No wonder I am seeking out shamans for spiritually enlightening experiences. Yes, I want to discover more about the unknown and myself, but I also want to feel more alive. We all do right?!

Before going on medications everything felt more tingly....everything. Sensations were enhanced for every form of my physical existence and emotional for that matter. Right now, I have to accept that I am bipolar and take my medications like a good little lamb. It is, after all, what is best for myself and my family. However, I can miss my previous existence and I often do.

Granted there are things I don't miss like not sleeping and hearing voices, but even those things made me feel unique. Those things made me feel like I had a special ability or something. Now, I am just an ordinary housewife sweeping the floors and scrubbing the toilets like everyone else. I know that is not entirely true, but a part of me feels this way.

Perhaps, I just need to think about magic differently now. Instead of it being this tangible-living and breathing thing, perhaps it is something just below the surface glimmering like waters in the moonlight. This weekend, a little girl captivated me as she was dancing to some LIVE music at a local restaurant. It made me want to dance too! And, we did share a little dancing duet together for a few brief moments. It was a magical, inspirational, and a memorable experience for me. That was a special magical moment. So maybe magic is something we make as well as experience.